Nicola Farquhar CNZ report
2020

## Leap

I’m familiar with the edges of my limits
and that I could make it right across the river
with one great leap, but after consideration I thought it wise
to jump straight into the middle of it’s length
it was the same distance after all

Luckily there was a canoe just within arms reach
and I pulled it toward me and clambered in
I made my way along by paddling, left, right, left, right
it was not one of those rivers that go out to the sea
fortunately, so I soon found myself on solid ground

I was aware that it was the perfect habitat for wild bears
and being wary of having the back of my head torn off
I walked along slowly one foot in front of the other with my hands up
saying over and over in a calm voice “I surrender, I surrender”
and focussed my eyes steadily ahead

Pretty soon I could see the horizon quite clearly
which did help my balance as quite honestly, with my arms in the air
I was starting to feel a little light-headed myself
Once I reached the cliff edge I could get my head lower than my body
and that’s when I felt all the blood rushing back in

Sliding along safely on my back with my legs straight as an arrow
I was analogous to a surfboard on a huge wave
I liked this sensation of linear growing momentum
and started laughing helplessly like one of those situations
where you are completely out of control

Finally I was circling around and around and around
and only came to a stop when I reached my maximum capacity
I stood up and brushed off the grass and stones
No damage! I thought breezily and walked up to the first house I saw
could I please borrow your telephone or internet? I asked

Fortunately it was a house full of birds not wolverines
passionately off-grid, they offered to fly me to the nearest airport
So that’s how you came to see me up overhead
my soft underbelly in shadow like an aeroplane above you
gripped in the claws of opportunistic gulls

You always talk about how much you appreciate scavengers
and anybody that cleans stuff up generally in fact
But now I’ve been dropped at your feet and I’m on my feet myself
and we are eye to eye and you are saying, horrified
“Oh my god what happened to your face!”

## First person story

I said the strangest thing has happened honey. I said
that a generous gift was coming our way
I said we won’t be using the stairs after this honey! I said
we better get the launchpad ironed out flat, get the iron
out of my way space junk, this ship is galactic!
but I’m not shouting, I said

I said if I can’t stop sinking, I’ll be molten soon honey. I said
like molasses except it’s like a million degrees here and I can’t even see my bones
I said am I dissolving? Just burning up in this heat except
I’m actually so cold feel my hands, they’re like ice
melting in the centre of the Earth honey. Can you still hear me?
but I’m not shouting, I said

I said I’m laying out a blanket, just like for a picnic. I said
pretend that the grass is greener and the breeze tickles our ears
I said I will even lie on my side propped up on my elbow like this
I’m sure there is a forest nearby and we will be hearing birds soon
singing to each other like its dawn, in a chorus, a cacophony
but I’m not shouting, I said

I said okay I will go to sleep soon, but don’t mind if I keep talking. I said
I talk in my sleep sometimes. Out like a light
or a fight I’m counting. Once I sleepwalked right out the door
You can engage me in conversation and I will try to make you understand
my gabble, but don’t forget I’m asleep will you honey?
but I’m not shouting, I said

You said, well I think it was you. You said
if you had fingers you would be counting your blessings on
your fingers, that I was here, and your heart, if you had one, would drum out a song
like all songs, except it’s a song just for us honey. You said
“It’s a shame I don’t have ears because I’d be a much better listener.”
“I just want things to stay this way forever.” I said

## Bright Light

You said that you had never felt the sunlight on you
ever actually, I said, so what’s up with this phosphorescence?
Turning away: it’s just that I like to keep my secrets

I lay in the sun with my hat over my face and I smiled
when I thought of you, being mine forever and ever and ever…
actually, you said, the sun will only last another 5 billion years

Can you wait that long? I wondered out loud
thinking about the circle of life, turning wheels, rolling eyes
Don’t tell me you own circles now too! This made you angry

When I leaned toward the ray of light, my face partially disappeared
it was an optical trick that made some of me invisible to you
You’ve stolen my heart! you shouted (I checked - mine was still beating)

I’ve never been that fussed about owning things
and I’m pleased about this decision to give everything away
did you notice this flock of birds and how they fight over every little bit?

I see that you are counting backwards, you find this relaxing
it’s making me dizzy because I’m used to the earth turning the other way
I’m going to fall over, but I tell you that I’m ok to go back to the beginning

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one

## Wisdom

Distracted, I concentrated on painting my face

I now understood the ways in which all our lives unfold

I watched everybody enter the sea completely

then calmly return to the beach licking their hands like cats

She / slyly / sips / salt / satisfied

2020